as i lay in my pool yesterday, floating around in the nice warm sun, i had a thought. the only thing i had on the brain was a past life and for a moment, i was really feeling lonely for friends. i have never had real friends of a close nature and for some reason, although i know why i could never get really close to people, i really missed some people in particular yesterday.
friendships are hard to attain. for me, it is a matter of trust. every time i came close to having real friendships, they always seem to burn me. therefore, i always kept a safe distance. i have never been a lover of work and socializing with coworkers but how else was i to make friends.
up until 2 years ago, i have many acquaintances, some whom i still talk to and have a few laughs and some forgotten. as it would have it, the ones forgotten are only there because they did not give 2 shits about me, unless they wanted something.
i have one person in particular that weighs on my mind and i truly believe we could have had a special relationship, although we do not speak anymore, i found myself missing that one yesterday. this one was very special because the challenges that person gave me were undeniable. although i felt fired up and upset most of the time with this person, i also felt a certain comfort.
trust being the important word here …
today, i wonder if i texted this person if i would get a reply or the wonder if i should just leave it alone came to mind.
which brings me to past. is it better to leave it there or should we actually forgive and forget?
the other problem is if i have done something wrong to this person and that is the reasoning for no contact by all means let me know. on the other hand, would it bring up all this past regret and shame or would we be able to go on like nothing has changed.
what do you think?