why do people hide their true nature

i hate fake people or people who pretend to be something they are not. it seems we are constantly trying to make up for our short comings and yet there are some people who fake their abilities in order to get something they want or need.

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what is that old saying: “fake until you make it”

well that’s all fine as long as you aren’t doing it to piss off someone else or trying replace another person by over stepping. i am lacking sleep these days and i know why but clearly can’t find the answers. my frustrations lie with an idea of purpose, belonging and as far as i can remember, this has been my goal. trying new things, doing what is necessary or just experiencing character.

i am trying something again for the third time because i not only feel it is necessary but to determine why i got so frustrated in the first place. hard lessons are the ones that will either break you or make you and if the latter, well then i will know.

hell i have nothing lose anymore so why not.

my sense of order has left building, my priorities are buried deep and since i can’t go anywhere well i might as well be useful with some of my talents or until something better comes along.

which never will by the way because i know that this is my life now and i have to live with the obvious being normal and tied to the responsibilities which i did not ask for.

i have written a few chapters in my life and today i can honestly say, as i turn the pages, i feel as though almost everything was a complete waste of valuable time. experience is one thing but not knowing what would really make me happy is exhausting.

in the end, as we are all trying to deal with the chaos and 2020 doesn’t seem to be looking any better than it does, it is hard to say whether good things will happen or if we are all stuck in this virtual flux.


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