the expression of finding our true inner self
today is a new week and like most, we feel as though a fresh start is always best. chaos isn’t far behind, life shows the journey and yet, there is still that trigger point. desperation is not a word I use often because I have never really been to that moment. I saw a man seeking that yesterday on the steps inside a church, praying to an imaginary figure. his life was at a loss and he was desperately trying to find a solution.
why do people do this?
no, I am not a religious person, born and raised catholic but I never believed in an almighty. I am one of those people that needs to see to believe. that goes for everything. if you love me, show me. if you admire me, tell me. if you need me, don’t wait for a special day to reach out.
I was very angry yesterday because I had a conversation with my parents.
when I do have good news, a positive moment, I would hope that they were proud. however, in that moment of gratification, my stepmother always finds a way to top that situation with better happiness for her own children. I have never told her that but she makes me feel less important when she does this like my successes are never good enough.
I know, I know. You’re thinking why does it matter?
Because it does.
why can’t they just let me enjoy one moment, one success without trying to top it off with someone else’s greedy glory? As I expressed out loud to my boyfriend, I could feel all kinds of moments, memories of what my life was like with this stepfamily and I have to say, it is no wonder I am always struggling with my own identity.
I sit here and think about it, and tears come to my eyes because the fact is they are better than me. they have more, they are successful in all they do and it really makes me feel like a failure. I love my dad dearly and his wife but I do not think they understand how unhappy I really am.
I play this “face person” pretending that everything is good when in fact it really sucks. The only thing that keeps me going is staying strong for my son. he works really hard, out in the cold or heat, depending on the time of year and he feels down most of the time because he can’t get ahead. he is the reminder that society and the cost of living have gone up and we are struggling to keep afloat. but I keep him positive, so that’s something I guess.
as always, be unconditional.