The Reasons I am Still Alive

Published Categorized as Mental Health

I believe there is a reason for everything and the constant battle with life has really taken me on this negative journey. Waking up at 3 AM this morning, feeling suffocated by this moment, waiting for my coffee to brew, I took a step outside, watching the snow fall and all of sudden, my body decide to make me aware of how sad I am. Yes, my readers, I was sick on the porch for no reason at all. What was supposed to be my daily refresh of a bottle of water to cleanse, ended up on the porch. I know that sounds gross and I am sorry but it is to make a point.


Our bodies react when shit isn’t right with our heads and I can tell you that my body has a way of telling me when it is very much time to decompress, to face my reality. I have no place to go to do that so in finding my paradise of escape and relaxation, I am stranded. I guess I am really disappointed in myself, for the most part, people keep asking why the “no celebrating” this year of anything, with my birthday coming this Sunday and Christmas next week, I just do not feel up to it and people, meaning the ones around me just won’t let it go.

I ask you, “why is it when someone is hurting or has suffered a loss, people always ask the questions?” are you ok? is there anything I can do? Clearly, if a person wanted help, they would ask. That’s just me.

Some people like to suffer in their own misery because they are made that way. Not because they don’t want people around but because they feel they are a burden on others. They don’t feel worthy of that help, or that understanding. They don’t want to send out negative vibes to others and certainly don’t want to hear the reasoning behind feeling a certain way.


is an unconditional act and if you can’t understand that, then you can’t help others. I realized a long time ago that I let others suck the life right out of me and that is why I am the way I am today. I can’t find the girl within or the happiness I once had because clearly, I don’t know how to generate that kind of power. My whole life has been a constant fake lifestyle, pleasing others, doing for others, and acting in ways that were acceptable to others and now I am left with this void.

My goal for 2023, find out who I am, and what is it I can achieve without feeling restricted by others and hopefully I can get the results I deserve.

Oh and by the way, I love black and white. This trying to create something that just doesn’t fit for me on this blog, well, has taken its limit. Remember, there are 5 unconditional values. Honesty, Fear, Judgement, Acceptance, Love.

I can’t live without these and neither should anyone else. Maybe, one day, I will pick this book up again and finish it.

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