stop doing so much for people

it will suck all the life you have. i say this with a heavy heart at 4:45am. bad night, i woke up screaming with tears this morning, finally, i feel as though my dreams “more like nightmares” are getting deeper and deeper and i can’t wake up from it.

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this night was a bad one. i can remember at least three situations, scenes if you want, and i can honestly say they are as clear as you are reading this. they all made me feel like a piece of shit, filled with rejection and exhaution. all the people in these dreams hated me, they kept pushing to the curb sorta speak, making me feel like an outcast, as if i had done them some kind of harm.

i was poison to them and i can’t for the life of me understand why.

i spent all my life pleasing others, giving the air that i breathe in order for them to get exactly what they needed and wanted. everyone last of them and here i am many years later still feeling as though these people, not only in my career, this dream also started way back, people from my past at a younger age, pushing me away like i was the plague.

the dream was so intense, it is almost as if i was trying to retrace my life, fixing the things i wanted too but getting nowhere and jumping from scenerio to scenerio hoping for a happy ending.

that’s it. right.

i want my happy ending and i know in reality i will never get it. i truly believe my dream was an awakening hoping for answers. i hate the way i feel at the moment, i do realize it will subside but it is hard.

in reality, my boyfriend brings me the kitty thinking it will fix the way i feel but we all know after reading this, that is not what i need.


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