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state of mind: do you check-in

we often forget to check-in with ourselves and i believe it is important only because if we can’t understand why we are feeling what we feel, then how do you expect to survive. as life goes on, i feel myself struggling more and more with the idea that nothing gets better. we have seen in it in 2020 and i fear the worse is yet to come.

i can remember a time when i was fearless, positive, strong and now i see many signs of not even caring about life in general. i live and breath only to be in the moment and i don’t know if this is a good or bad thing.

i hate the word ‘crazy’ because it is a definition on an unstable person which i believe is morally wrong. when someone is unhealthy mentally or physically, they sink into a sea of negativity only brought on by life events.

here is my theory …

you can’t expect a person to be happy or stable when their whole life has been destroyed by a world of crazy. life experiences have shown us that even though we try to make things better and nothing seems to fit just quite right, we sink because nothing good comes our way. although the choices we make seem right and turn out wrong, there was a time when we believed they were right or that something bigger was at play.

personal thoughts: i am the most unhappy person i know at the moment and i can tell you i am not ‘crazy’. i simply feel as though life has thrown a barrel of ‘bullshit’ events and i am never getting out of this mess. i look back on how many times i have been in destructive relationships or situations and i know right now the only difference is i am hiding the truth.

my biggest struggle with thinking positive because when you work so hard at something only to have it torn to pieces, why bother. so i exist as i said to be here with no purpose, no desire, no ambition and certainly no prospects of getting ahead in life.

so where does that leave me, feeling pretty down. i suppose i am lucky in some way that i am aware of my feelings and thoughts when most people who are in my same situation haven’t got a clue what the hell is going on. they fill themselves with pharmaceuticals thinking a pill will fix it all when in fact it only hides the truth.

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