When your heart is broken and I don’t mean in a physical sense but it feels like that, how can it be repaired? They say time heals all wounds, well I can tell you, whoever wrote that, doesn’t understand the concept because time only makes you realize how fucked up you are or how many mistakes you have made that can’t be undone. We do not learn lessons, we discourage ourselves from ever trying again because of failure. It is a known fact that most people lose ambition after a while and even though it all looks fine on the outside, the inside is screaming with rage, regret, fear and disappointment.
My experiences have shown me the truth about people, their way of manipulating, pretending to be something they are not or caring when they truly only want to keep one eye open to see what you will do next. Asking for help means being vulnerable to all aspects of your lifestyle and I can say with certainty, I don’t. You can’t trust people or the system it represents because there is always someone in the background lurking to make sure you don’t succeed.
I am a brilliant woman, I have taught myself many things to adapt to the new world and over the years I have asked myself what is all for. Where has all this knowledge taken me other than for the experience of it? If you were to look at my heart at this moment you would see black, probably why I love the black-and-white theme so much. Colour makes me sick these days because it represents happy people and that isn’t something I can experience. Yes, my readers, I am totally sincere and in my right mind but as I move along, I am still trying to find something, one thing that will make me spark again.
There is such a big shadow over my head not even the snow can cover it. I am grateful for one thing, at least I have this medium to share my thoughts and write down the meaning of it all. Creations are few and far between and if I could pour out all this mess in my head, I believe something better would surface. For now, I will do what I do. I drink coffee, work, eat whenever necessary and sleep if I can. Rinse and Repeat.
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