this is something i know for a fact i have experienced in abundance. it is a sad but true story that because i live by my own rules, people are less than happy with me but i have become this way in order to keep my sanity or maybe not.
the harsh reality is that it is a very lonely place.
yes, last night in my dreams it was apparent that i have a few burdens to deal with as i tossed and turned, even floating in that great pool of mine yesterday, i shed a small tear thinking how unfulfilled my life is and how lonely i am. the hard part is not being around people but being around individuals whom you know don’t care.
i have never allow people to get to close to avoid the hurt. i have opened my heart a few times over the years only to rejected and thrown to the curb or stabbed in the back. the people whom i am suppose to consider family also wanted me to conform to be someone else and i couldn’t. why hide behind the shadow of others when it only makes you feel less important.
i also have a big issue with my dad, not that he really knows it because he does not listen but i have not made him proud in my lifetime. i guess he expected something else of me and i am far to old to change what should have been. i guess i also know it is time to let go of trying to spend that quality time because he doesn’t get it.
so what am i left with?
i am not entirely sure except that i don’t know what the hell would make me truly happy at this point.
i have 1 or 2 friends who are nice enough to listen to me once in a while, i have no love life, no career and the only truly love i have is my son and my cat, which we all know that is unconditional because they have to love me.
sounds like ‘i feel sorry for myself” this morning but truly it is not. i am just venting the emotions trying to understand where to turn next. this journey is so hard, i can’t even explain to you how i have travelled on many bumpy roads. it is a good thing i still have a brain and wits about me. maybe that’s a positive outlook.
as always, be unconditional.