I woke up with an achy feeling this morning, mostly I wake up like that every day but today was one of those moments when dreams take a front seat. To often, when we dream, we ask ourselves why certain people and situations appear. Guilt, frustration, desperation is more like it and even though we have done everything in our power to release that regret of our past, it creeps up.
There is a person I have known for quite some time, big crush I have on him and even though nothing came of it, the flirtation was always extremely strong. I feel as though I have let him down in the professional and now I don’t even interact with him. I miss him really but as time passes, I know this crush is a waste of my valuable time. ( FYI – I dreamt about him last night ) oh yummy!
My feelings for this man were so intense, I think I would have gone the distance had we not been committed to other people. I am not even sure he knows how much I was crushing on him but it was apparent in my words, I think anyways.
The Achy Feeling
Which brings me back to the story. We cannot write our own story because we all know, life is planned out. It does matter how much you try and change the journey, something else interferes and fucks everything up. So, as we must live day by day, we chose what we can do for today.
My goals have not changed at all since I was younger, always searching, always thinking, why can’t I have this or that and why I have never really felt loved. Yes! I said it out loud, the last box that never got filled. I have loved many people in my life, giving all of myself to them but it has never been reciprocated or not in the way I wanted or thought it should be. That ultimate feeling of passion and understanding between two people needs to be shown and although I am lucky enough to have found someone who gives me security, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
If you follow my blog at all, you know, I have never been really happy but I live with it.
It is one thing to share this on the Words but to express that in real life, never. I guess my life is dictated by committment and I will forever be in the wrong story.
My transition into a new career has been interesting this week. Meeting new people and trying to have the patience. I have none because I know to much and I just wish companies would get to the point of what the job entails and get on with it. However, there are some who need that kind of attention to details and I have to be understanding. There goes the concept of doing what you love and love what you do right out the door. Funny, I thought I knew what career made me happy at one time but that is all in the past. It is too bad those people made me feel rejected because I could have retired there.
As I hope for better whether, I have been looking for ideas to fix my Zen garden. It is a good thing people posts ideas on Pinterest or I would be totally lost. I am also hoping that this pandemic gives way a little because I need the sun or at least to be able to go to my favorite place and get a tan. I have missing my vitamin D and I can say I feel it in my mind and body.
As always, enjoy the weekend and be unconditional.
PS – a little song to represent my feelings