we create a check list for our daily routine but when was the last time you checked in with yourself?
we are bound by our routines, our way of living, working, socializing and yet we still can’t figure out what the hell is wrong with us. some of us can’t even bring to the surface and face the stigma that is going on and how we can adapt or cut it like a knife.
i have to say that lately, i suffer in silence and writing has even taken a back seat only because i can’t find satisfaction in anything i do. no career, no lifestyle and most of all no social interaction can clearly find you melting away in a deep dark hole and i blame myself really because years ago, i put myself here. i made a choice that has brought me nothing but depression, pain and regret.
hell no i have not faced those demons and i don’t know how to get around it.
it was nice enough the other day that i was able to go and float in my pool although as my child said, crazy mom, it’s cold water but i don’t feel the cold, i feel the warm sun on my face enough to make me escape into that already chaotic mind of mine.
i really need to get my shit together as soon, white fluff will be upon us and the idea of putting my paradise away really upsets me but it must be done soon. then i will find my other outlet to settled my nerves by soaking up 20 minutes a day in what some might call and need for vitamin D.
we all need to find something that brings us a little light and mine is the sun and when i can’t be outside, then there is always fake and bake.
design and creativity
the other escape is this blog and my new podcast. as i am tearing myself into setting a new design, i find myself stressing because i feel as though my efforts are pointless. coming up with ideas, which used to be so easy at one time, are far from good. i am struggling with my identity, feeling as though i have no purpose and i don’t know where to turn. social media has become less important but there is still a little hope inside saying, keep at it.
the art of design is questions and what makes a statement. will people listen? will people care? how can i get people to feel as though i have a point to make and socialize with me in order to not feel alone?
that my friends is the big issue.
at one time, i was surrounded by people all the time and wanted space. now, all i want is people to floor themselves on my websites and interact. i want to know how to help people come out of their misery and make me feel useful. i guess maybe, we can only live one day at time and hope that one day, the peace will come again and i will feel whole.