i am always in constant flux as why the buzzing doesn’t stop, more so lately. when you don’t feel good, especially inside, the brain wanders, it sees things that aren’t there and you question your ability. how the hell did i end up here, how the hell did my life become so chaotic an endless situation of struggle.
i always blamed myself for my bad luck, as i used to call it but i believe there is an aura hanging over me and there isn’t a damn thing i can do about it. that’s just it, isn’t it, mental health can will eventually over power and we are helpless. what we think is right or good for us, apparently isn’t. i feel pretty numb about everything, as i am sure most people are these days but yesterday i was at Walmart and there was a lady in front of me angry with the fact that she had to use the far doors to enter the building.
she should have been just grateful she could get in.
alas! i told her she needs to understand that the government has decided that control is the key word in 2020-2021 and we need to overcome the anger and frustration before it kills what’s left of our human decency.
i am not cracking up you can feel it right? the thickness of negative activity, the frustration and mostly the feelings of anxiety around us.
i don’t know how this will all end or when but i do know this, i only have myself to worry about at the moment and i need fix my personal life. i can’t be bothered with what others are feeling or how society can’t grasp the truth about what our government is doing or not doing. they are constantly saying that if we vaccinate all will be better. i don’t believe that for one minute! sorry but that is just another way to control the substance.
eventually, when it is necessary only when will i get it. meaning when i get to fly to Mexico and they make me, then i will. i fear that shot more than i fear death and i can tell you, i will not put a foreign substance in my body for anyone.
i have been looking for a word to concentrate on and for the life of me i can’t think of one. lately, i have been feeling the tears and that’s something i haven’t done since i left that stupid place i used to work at in the beginning of 2021. ya know, i am still angry about that, people are so mean and ungrateful for my efforts and i knew the minute i got there it would be a battle. i am slowly letting it go but it was supposed to be my retirement place and now, it is like a plague burning in my mind only because people can’t keep their nose out of my business or continuously badger my efforts. sad.
now i am doing a job that is useless, ungratifying and most of all, a waste of my value.
i can only say, be mindful, be unconditional and find your moment.