we all want to be happy in all that we do and when we are feeling as though there is no escape from the bottom and i say that lightly because there are people out there who truly have a need for help, it is hard to be secure with anything or anyone.
the other day i spoke about trust, a very interesting subject. it is very hard to open yourself to people whom you can trust that they will accept you unconditionally. even today, i have been with my partner 9 years in the making and i still find moments where i feel i am being judged by him. it is as though there is an acceptable behavior where we can honestly say is comfortable.
that is the key isn’t it, acceptance.
most of us just settle for what seems attractive or pays the slightest attention, others find comfort in security and like myself, other than the responsibilities we have, the ‘i am in to deep to let go’ scenario sets in.
my relationship is still in hiding and what i mean is that there are certain things i still do not say outloud or talk about with my significant other. i guess it is because i know for a fact that my boyfriend is not good at feelings. i am good with that; i think he has trouble identifying with emotion and i have understood that for years. the problem is i like expression and for lack of there of, i feel frustrated that i can’t even trust my partner enough to tell him how i really feel in certain situations.
actually, my life revolves around people whom i cannot speak up too and keep my emotions right where they are, inside.
this morning is another example: i am getting ready for yet another interview with a job i would rather not have but feel it is necessary for financial reasons. i have had such bad experiences in the last 2 years with employers that it needs to be said out loud.
the lack of support, lack of understanding technical issues and when you are smart like me, this becomes very frustrating in the online world. i am not bragging but when you service people in customer service, technology should be up to standards and when you hire people to do a good job, you should support your employees, encourage them and help them attain a certain standards in order to succeed.
my trainer at my last job, three times over now, was the most unprofessional person i have ever met. i don’t really judge appearances but mostly go by what i hear because the training is all online and in a virtual environment. i don’t really know how this woman kept her job as a trainer but only to realize that management obviously has no clue what her personality reflects the representation of the company.
so there you have it. this is the only place i can truly express my feelings and people will certainly either understand or have something negative to say about it.
in the end, my words are when i wake up every morning are:
i want to be happy and comfortable.
what are you hoping for?