Hurt. where do I begin? I felt a real pain last night and I can usually handle it but this came from my son and that is a feeling you can’t bury. A good parent should question friends, their backgrounds, and their lifestyle in order to understand the kind of people your child may be hanging around with but my son totally lost it when I asked questions about his new friend. I don’t know if there is a bigger meaning but he was very upset with me for even asking questions.
Let me share a little history about my journey with my children. I have 2 boys, and raising them on my own was a constant struggle, not knowing whether I was doing the right thing, or behaving as a parent should know I did not have a good example to follow but now I see that maybe after all these years, I could have done many things differently. Children don’t come with books and we all know that. We do what we can and hope for the best. My past mistakes should not reflect their upbringing but as they grew older, I was always judged for what or how I was raising my boys. The oldest child, always struggling with addiction, was the worse but I kept my word and tried so hard to support whatever I could in his battle. Today sadly he no longer is a part of my life because when it came down to it, he could not stand the fact that I would no longer support his bad behaviour. My youngest child, now 29, is very much a mamma’s boy and I guide him as best as I can but I do give him too much and to be treated the way I was last night, well that just pains me. I guess I have known for some time that I have given him too much and settled all his battles when needed and now that I see his behaviour towards a simple question, I think is really disrespectful. The other part of this story is my boyfriend. He actually took his side last night and I felt so lost in the room, struggling with this negativity like I was the bad mom.
I have to say, I am struggling enough with my inner self and now this? I really need to go somewhere and be by myself, to deal with me, my own personal growth and I can’t find a way to do this. I have worked so hard at gaining a side income to be able to generate enough money to get the fuck out here but that in itself is a struggle. My little shop is growing but people don’t seem interested.
I have sheltered my life, my family, by everyone and I have had enough. Keeping silent isn’t my strong suit but I am saying this, sharing my feelings out loud doesn’t seem to work either. Alas, as I have said before, it is a good thing I have this blog.
It is Saturday and I have to go pretend to be a person, the normal people stuff and I just don’t feel like it. I miss my backyard paradise, the place I used to escape. It is a good thing I have my kitty, she doesn’t talk back.