Quiet. This is how people take for granted the moments we have left in our lives. I can’t begin to tell you how difficult this past year has been for me and how much I suffer in silence. It is a wonder and I mean that in an all-purpose sense, that I am still breathing. Yesterday, I realized, I am sure more people suffer and for the most part, we are not alone but what does a person do if they can’t express those feelings of pain and grief?
Most of you would say, therapy. On the contrary, I can’t see myself talking to some random stranger who does not understand who I am or what I feel but only knows textbook scenarios. I can recall a time when it was easy for me to express my feelings and my heartache, I suppose love is easier to dish out because when your heart is broken by abandonment, you can blame the other person. However, when it comes to self-love, you can’t give up on your well-being.
I believe I am at that point. I have given up on myself, my ambition, my belief in what used to be good for me and the ambition of how to attain it. I hide behind my computer like a screen saver, changing the scene every 1 minute in order to justify what is really going on.
We do not want to face those hard challenges, we self-destruct when shit goes down and we certainly punish ourselves when we fail. I have always asked the question “Is there a light at the end of this tunnel” but the reality is we just need to burn the candle, we need to give ourselves time to heal, time to be patient and find a way to calm the hate inside our head in order to live a good life.
When I get to that point, I will let you know.